January 2012
8 posts
According to Forbes Magazine, the value of the New York Knicks’ franchise increased 19% since last year. They are now valued at approximately $780 million.
This just goes to prove the old adage: you can’t put a winning on price.
President Obama unveiled his new theme in tonight’s State of the Union address: “America, Built to Last.” This slogan narrowly beat out his alternative themes: “America, Built Ford Tough” and “America, I’m Thinking Arby’s.”
Joe Paterno actually passed away three weeks ago. One of his assistant coaches discovered his body, but decided not to report it to the authorities.
Newt Gingrich’s candidacy raises an important societal question: Is America ready for an asshole president?
This weekend, Lauren and I saw “The Iron Lady,” or as I like to call it, “The Lady with the Iron Tattoo.”
Here’s my quick review: It felt like the director just used Margaret Thatcher’s Wikipedia page instead of an actual script.
Why does Mitt Romney look like he could have been the villain in 90% of the movies from the 80s and 90s? Think about it: principal at a high school; president of a douchey fraternity; rich jerk at a ski lodge; Lex Luther-type corporate mogul; father who just won’t let his teen be a teen; etc. If Obama can paint himself as the “Van Wilder” candidate, he’s a shoe-in for...
Who will win over the key demographics of the Republican Party? Rick Santorum has been polling well among white voters, while Romney tends to be favored by the eggshell and ecru crowd.
December 2011
8 posts
A woman in northern Brazil gave birth to a baby with 2 heads, 1 body and 99 problems (but initial reports indicate that a bitch is not one).
What happens if a write-in candidate wins the Republican nomination? More importantly, what happens if the write-in candidate is “Not Mitt Romney”?
In 2012, can we stop using phrases like “it’s all online now” or “it’s all done with computers now”? I think we’ve reached the point where it’s a shock to find out that a particular process doesn’t involve the internet/computers.
I just saw that “Breaking Bad” was not nominated for a Golden Globe for best dramatic tv series. I guess the Hollywood Foreign Press Association decided that a nomination would be superfluous since “Breaking Bad” has already received the “Greatest Show of All Time Award,” which was granted by the Everyone-Who-Has-Ever-Watched-the-Show Foreign Press Association.
Dwight Howard to Orlando Magic fans: “[I]f you hate me because of a jersey, then you never really loved me. That’s how I feel.”
Orlando Magic fans to Dwight Howard: “If you hate us because we’re not located near New York City or southern California, then you never really loved us. That’s how we feel.”
Apparently, Cavs’ owner Dan Gilbert sent a strongly-worded email to David Stern, recommending that the Chris Paul trade be called off. So you know what that means: Cleveland finally won something sports-related! We did it, guys!
November 2011
10 posts
The end of the NBA lockout is bittersweet for me. On one hand, I’m excited to have the NBA back. On the other hand, a cancelled season would have provided me with the opportunity to make lots of jokes about Lebron once again failing to win a championship.
If People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive dies before a new person is selected, who becomes the new Sexiest Man Alive? It’s the Speaker of the House of Representatives, right?
Bradley Cooper was just named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. RIP, Ryan Reynolds.
On his radio show yesterday, Glenn Beck described Rick Santorum as “the next George Washington.” I finally feel validated because I have always referred to George Washington as “the Rick Santorum of his time.”
Rumor has it that the NBA players and owners were 75% complete in reaching a new collective bargaining agreement today, but then Lebron came in to solve the final quarter and completely blew it.
Rick Perry: “My tax plan is infinitely better than Herman Cain’s 9-9-… ah shoot, what’s the third one? I can’t remember. Oops.”
Mariah Yeater told reporters that she began to suspect that Justin Beiber was the father of her child after the baby developed a fairly serious Beiber fever. #dadhumor #literally
People are outraged over this recent story about an Oregon woman who climbed into a horse carcass and had her boyfriend take nude photos of her, which the couple then posted on the internet.
My guess? This is all an elaborate publicity stunt arranged by Bravo to promote their new show, “Desperate Horsewives of Oregon.”
Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 Plan: 9 times a month, tell 9 female coworkers that your penis is 9 inches.
October 2011
11 posts
timheidecker:
“Lord Cain”
someone please make a...
Headline on Huffington Post: “PHOTOS: Julia Roberts’ Style Has Changed Since 1986.”
I knew it! And all this time, nobody believed me! Thanks, Huffington Post!
Listen, Cardinals & Rangers, I have work tomorrow. Would you mind ending this incredible game?
Mark Driscoll, a pastor in Seattle, recently said that “any man who [masturbates] without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity.”
I’m not saying his logic is flawed, but I am saying that Mark Driscoll loves to get his hands on a man’s body and rub soap all over it every morning in the shower.
I saw an article stating that Haley Joel Osment is “eyeing a comeback.” I wonder if it’s in the same way that he is “eyeing the chocolate chip scones that look like they have gone stale in the display case at the Starbucks where he works.”
Yesterday, Hulk Hogan appeared on Fox & Friends to talk politics. It was part of Fox & Friends’ ongoing segment entitled “We Really Haven’t Learned Our Lesson From That Whole Hank Williams, Jr. Thing.”
Sources say that Red Sox GM Theo Epstein will become the new GM of the Chicago Cubs. With any luck, Cubs fans will go from endearingly pathetic to unbearably obnoxious in no time.
Rudy Giuliani made the official announcement: “I’m not running for president in 2012.” “Wait, were you just talking to me?,” the young woman walking into the New York Times building asked him while removing her headphones. “I was just saying that I’m not running for president,” the former NYC mayor added in higher volume. “In 2012.” ...
September 2011
7 posts
Nope, sorry. I’m not buying it, Red Sox fans. I’m not buying that you are a “cursed” team. I’m not buying that this is a “Bill Buckner” moment. Cursed teams are the ones that never taste sports glory, and when they do come close to winning it all, they lose on some fluky, miraculous, low-percentage play. The reality of this situation is that your beloved...
Does anyone out there have a human centipede? I’m curious - how hard are they to take care of?
Today on the bus, I sat next to a woman who was watching a feature film on her iPhone. The movie was Weekend at Bernie’s…[wait for it]… 2. That’s right, this woman so desperately wanted to see Weekend at Bernie’s 2 that she downloaded it to her iPhone and watched it on a crowded public bus on her commute home from work. And something else to blow your mind: at one...
The good news: After two years imprisoned in Iran, we finally freed those American hikers accused of being spies.
The bad news: From their initial press conferences, it doesn’t sound like they gathered any useful information.
To promote the new season of “Boardwalk Empire,” the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority will be installing an old-fashioned subway train. This is much better than the time MTA released millions of rats throughout the subway system to promote the release of Pixar’s “Ratatouille.”
August 2011
12 posts
In a new poll, 56% of Americans say that things wouldn’t be much different if Al Gore had won the 2000 Election. In the same poll, 63% of those surveyed answered “yes” to the question “If the moon was made out of barbecue spare ribs, woudlya eat it?”
Thank God we have Matt Drudge to expose the buildup to Hurricane Irene for the vast liberal media conspiracy that it was.
Man, the economy is really struggling right now. Even Apple is losing Jobs.
According to a new poll, 51% of Americans blame George W. Bush for the poor state of the economy. The poll also revealed that 100% of “history textbooks to be written in the future” blame Bush for the current economy.
This weekend, Lauren and I learned an important lesson: The best time to take the Holland Tunnel is approximately never, no time, not at all. And preferably when it’s raining.